Ashly Brady

This week’s topic revolves arounds a family death. If you are not in a space (mentally and/or emotionally) to read about this, I recommend you click out of this post and come back when you are. Always do what is best for you and your mental health! That being said…

Let’s start with an overview of my family, particularly my siblings. My parents had three children: Justin (oldest), Sean (middle), and me (youngest). Justin and I are four years apart and Sean is two years apart from both of us. Although there were some years between each of us, we spent a good amount of time together and around one another when we were young. Whether it was attending sports practices or games, camping, movie nights, or me forcing my brothers to let me hangout with them and their friends – We were together. Obviously, that didn’t last forever as we all got older and each of us started to become our own person. This happened for Sean when he was a sophomore in high school. At the time, I was a freshman at the same school and Justin was headed to college in the Salem, Oregon area. Though we were starting to separate, Sean and I still did quite a bit together because we had the same friend group. 

By the time I was a senior in high school, Sean started college at Portland State University and Justin was living in Eugene, Oregon with his girlfriend. Before this, Justin decided college was not his thing, and he got a full-time job instead. Since we were all at different stages in our lives, we really didn’t see each other often. We did our best to stay in contact (from time to time) in addition to seeing each other during the holidays. This was the norm for a few years until I was a sophomore in college. During my sophomore year of college Justin and his girlfriend moved back to Portland. Sean was living at home while still attending PSU, and I visited home from college every weekend. So, we were able to spend time with one another more often, which I enjoyed very much because we grew closer again over that year and even more so after I moved back home after I finished my first two years of college. 

I was really excited to move back because as I mentioned we were all growing closer together, like how we were when we were younger. Unfortunately, the time for us to do so was cut short when I got a call that changed my life. 

In January of 2019, I received a heart-breaking call from my mom informing me Justin had passed away. Justin had Type-I diabetes and passed due to complications from the flu. Nothing can prepare you for that. I have experienced death a few times before, but those were grandparents who had cancer. In those cases, I had time to prepare for them to leave. With Justin that was not the case. 

I didn’t recognize it in the moment of the aftermath of Justin’s death, but I am so grateful I had Sean to go through the experience with. We both handled it, sometimes with humor. We understood what each other was going through (experiencing the sudden and unexpected loss of a sibling), which is something I needed at the time. However, I was worried that Justin’s passing would have a negative impact on our relationship because I know that grief can cause people to shut their loved ones out. Thankfully, this was not the case for me and Sean. Although we fight and argue, during this time, we showed up and supported one another. 

The grief process of losing a sibling or anyone for that matter is not linear by any means. It has been over four years now, and I still find myself experiencing the emotions I felt that dreaded day. As the years passed, though, I noticed we started to focus less on the fact that he was gone and more on all the great memories we had with him. That’s one of my favorite things to do, is to talk with Sean or my parents about our childhood with him.

Sometimes I like to think about what he would be like today, and I reflect on all the new things he would have been able to participate in with us. Like meeting Sean’s girlfriend or all our new animals. Seeing how our mom and dad remodeled the house. Getting to come visit me in Arizona. Seeing me buy my first car or checking out Sean’s new apartment. 

I think the hardest part for me through all of this was that Justin and I had really started to connect and strengthen our relationship. We never had the opportunity growing up to be close like he and Sean had been. I’d say it was primarily because of the age gap, but we realized as we got older how similar we were. We had started to nourish the connection between brother and sister. I know if he was still around, we’d be great friends and I would have loved to tell him about any and everything. Since that isn’t a possibility any longer, I guess Sean will do. Hah! Just kidding! I love Sean and the relationship we have (just as much). We are good friends, but it’s a different connection. Justin was a soft soul, and I resonated with that, whereas Sean speaks to my high energy and outgoingness. It’s like being the perfect mix of the two of them. 

Although I didn’t get to see the relationship between me and Justin grow, I will forever cherish the memories and connection we did share. I’m so thankful I had him as my big brother.