Ashly Brady

Hey lovely people,

I hope you all had a wonderful summer. I don’t know about you, but to me it felt like it was over in a blink. Not sure if that’s because we were booked and busy or because we’re mostly running on caffeine and energy over here. I’m not mad at it though, because I’ve been looking forward to fall and getting into the holiday spirit.

Something I’ve been wanting to talk about is my breastfeeding journey and my hopes for the next kid (whenever that time comes, we’re in no rush). I’ve always appreciated hearing others’ experiences, so I thought why not share mine? I feel like I had a less-than-conventional experience with breastfeeding, but I also know tons of moms out there have shared something similar.

While I was pregnant, the biggest question I was asked was, “Are you going to breastfeed?” Honestly, it wasn’t something I had thought much about before, but the more I got asked, the more I reflected on it. Breastfeeding seemed the most natural choice, so I usually said yes, but I also wanted Carson to share in the feeding experience. Plus, I knew I wasn’t going to be home forever, so I always defaulted to: “Yes, but I want to combo feed (breast and bottle).” Looking back, I think that mindset set me up for success.

With Cam being in the NICU, we weren’t able to start right away. We didn’t even get the opportunity to try breastfeeding until Cam was about 2 months old, because he had to meet certain requirements first. That meant the only way I could provide breastmilk was by pumping. Honestly, they weren’t even sure I’d be able to produce milk since preterm labor can make that harder. But women’s bodies are amazing. As soon as I hit recovery, the nurses had me start pumping ASAP to signal my body. I didn’t fully understand the importance of starting right away, but I’m so grateful for their push because it allowed me to provide milk for my baby.

The first few days (and even weeks) were rough. I didn’t understand how important it was to pump every few hours, didn’t know how to set the pump for the best results, couldn’t hand express to save my life, and honestly just wanted to give up sometimes. Add in the emotions of those first weeks, the lack of sleep, and constant back-and-forth to the hospital, it was a lot. But since there wasn’t much else I could do for Cam early on, I was determined to make milk for him.

After about a month, I got the hang of it. My production was great, Cam was only eating about half of what I pumped each day. But, like so many other moms, I started obsessing over the numbers in a way that wasn’t healthy. If I didn’t produce over a certain amount, I’d spiral into negative self-talk. I thought I was failing as a mom if I wasn’t hitting 30+ ounces. The first time I spilled a bottle, I sobbed like the world was ending. Those poor nurses and Carson comforted me even though I had plenty of milk. Hormones were absolutely hormoning, and I was tying my worth to numbers. That didn’t stop until a month or two after we brought Cam home and quit tracking everything.

When it came time to actually breastfeed, that was a whole new challenge. Premature babies don’t practice suck-and-swallow in the womb, so we knew it’d be hard. The NICU team got him started early with a pacifier and an NTrainer (a system to teach the suck-swallow pattern). Once he graduated from that and was off breathing support, we got the okay. The first try was a disaster. I was nervous, clueless, and the lactation consultant wasn’t much help. Cam struggled to latch, so we constantly switched between a nipple shield and bare breast. And yes, it hurt. If it didn’t for you, I envy you. That first month of practice in the NICU, I felt awkward and like I wasn’t doing it right. After weeks of trial and error, we decided the nipple shield gave us the best chance, and that’s how we started.

There was a lot of back-and-forth in my head about just pumping instead. Breastfeeding wasn’t going great, and one nurse mentioned babies who bottle-feed often get discharged faster. And when you’ve been in the NICU for weeks, you’ll do whatever it takes to get home. So, I shifted to pumping and bottle-feeding, with some breastfeeding practice in the hospital.

Once home, I got determined again. We saw a much better lactation consultant every other week while I was on leave, and she was amazing. Slowly, Cameron started transferring enough milk for a full feed. While he still had to be primarily bottle-fed (we had to fortify his milk), I finally felt confident in my ability to breastfeed. He never ditched the nipple shield, it was the only way he’d latch. If it wasn’t on, you would have thought he hated breastfeeding because he made faces and turned away. Still, I was proud of our progress. I never quite got comfortable nursing in public or around friends and family, probably because I didn’t do it often. That’s something I’d like to be different with the next kid.

Meanwhile, my pumping started to dip, not because of anything bad, but because I got comfortable. I had a little freezer stash, so I relaxed my schedule. That turned into a constant back-and-forth with myself until I quit at 9.5 months. Some weeks were great, other weeks I barely pumped twice a day. My boobs weren’t happy about it. I dealt with a couple clogged ducts.

By 9 months, I was supplementing with formula since I’d burned through my stash and was only producing about half of Cam’s daily needs. Another factor was just life. Working while having Cameron with me most of the time meant pumping was the first thing to give. Instead of dragging myself through the guilt and anxiety, I finally decided to stop. I weaned over a few weeks, but in classic me-fashion, I tossed everything before I was fully dried up. Three days later, I was uncomfortably full and probably close to mastitis. Lesson learned, don’t ditch your stuff too soon.

When I was close to quitting, I was so nervous to tell people. I had told everyone I wanted to make it to a year, and the stigma around formula made me fear being shamed. But at the end of the day, what matters is that your baby is fed and you’re okay too. It’s natural to feel guilt or shame as a new mom, but it really doesn’t matter whether it’s breastmilk or formula.

After a week, I felt peace with it. I know I didn’t fail Cam. I’m grateful for how far we made it. And people reminded me I’ll get to do this again with the next baby. My hope is that next time I can start breastfeeding right away, then introduce a bottle so we can combo feed again. And no matter what, my goal will always be to make it to a year.

Sometimes I still wish I could nurse or pump for Cam right now, but I know what we’re doing works best for us. And honestly, we’re so close to being done with formula altogether and moving on to solids and whole milk.

So here’s to full bellies, happy babies, and mamas who are doing their best. Always.

Until next time,
Ashly